So this is life...

Yesterday sucked. Plain and simple. I walked around in a haze after fighting with BF all Wednesday. He is so stubborn. I kinda snapped on him. I do not think that he had any inclination that I would defend myself like I did. It was not a normal response for me. I felt awful after for how it came about, but he expects me to forget what I have been through.

Yesterday commenced as a wonderful celebration of my mom's birthday. I work with her, which makes me crazy because I generally have a hard time dealing with her already.  Work went fine, went to other job, went to Easter pictures. BF and the mom got into it over cake and punishments.... And my sister kept telling me how awful my kids are. Seriously? Your brat is perfect right? Talking back and being disrespectful? Thats awesome! Because I swear to GOD, my children will never act like that towards me or I will smack them on the face.   My kids may act bad, but they are not brats. They are also both under 5.

Then 60 minutes driving home, listening to BF trash my family. I said a total of ten words. TEN. The entire 60 minutes.

Let me explain. I know my family is messed up. I get it. I really do. I mean, seriously, who in their right mind would NOT disown one of their kids after the slept with another one of their kids spouses. Who does that? Who acts like nothing is ever wrong when clearly there is SOMETHING wrong with the situation?  Who tells their child, in response to"I am getting a divorce", that they should stay with a man who obviously walks all over her?

It's years and years of messed up crap. And for those of you who know me, it only gets worse the more you hear!

I was just tired of it. Of hearing how horrible of people they are. Like I didnt already know that.

So I snapped. I freaked out once we got home and got the kids in bed. I yelled and he yelled. I was so mad at him. He did not understand. I was convinced he did not understand.

How could I still be around and act like nothing was wrong, he kept asking. All I could respond was that they are still my family. The damage has been done. Nothing, NOTHING anyone in the family could say to me will fix it. But, the reason I go and allow myself to be around these horrible people, is because I love my nieces and nephews. I miss them. I do. I adore them.

He said they were like cancer. He could see the way that I allow them to have power over me. He said its not healthy. I agree. It cant be healthy to be exposed to people who have zero compassion. But that wont stop me from going.

In the end, I spent the night, being ignored by someone whom I care deeply about that does not understand why I exposed myself to people who are terrible. It was terrible.

I am not sure what today brings. I want it to relax. I want to go home, and know that everything will be fine. But I dont know that. I do know some things.

1. My kids are my EVERYTHING. 
2. I will never grow to like eggplant. Sorry Miss LC.
3. I will never stop being an advocate for my older child. He needs help and I will demand it.
4. I will push many people away. Probably frequently. Probably more than most can tolerate.
5. I will never live up to the expectations of my mother.
6. My father will always be my rock. No matter how long we go without speaking, he knows me better than anyone else.
7. No one will ever understand my wierd attachment to that blanket.
8. No one will ever understand why I named my eldest after my stepfather.
9. No one will ever understand why I finally left my ex.
10. I will probably have a mental breakdown, if and when, my dogs life ends.
11. I will always be afraid of sharks, even in swimming pools.
12. This blog is the hardest, yet easiest thing I have to do. Ever.
13. I am a terrible driver. Though, in front of others, I will deny it.
14. I am like my mother in more ways than one, which terrifies me.
15. I want more kids. Desperately. (yeah I know. I am waiting.)
16. I will never get over the fear of sleeping alone. If given the choice between sleeping alone for a month, and being given a tetnus shot everyday of my life, I would rather the shot.

XO

A Little Nerve Hit Here and There Never Hurt Anyone

I probably re-write each blog post five times before it actually gets posted.

I delete it all after writing something long, fluid and amazing after realizing I do not want that particular topic shared at this point.


Anywho, this one stuck.

Last night, I went for a massage. While she was massaging my back, she was running her thumbs up and down my spinal column. Apparently, my nerve damage from having two kids and my surgery is worse than I thought. My muscles twitched. Alot. More than a lot. They spasmed. The right side was bearable. It felt good after she had massaged a few minutes. The left side was torture. It was uncontrollable. I couldnt help myself from twitching. Her hands sent shivers racing down my legs. I thought I was dying. I had never felt anything as painful in my life. EVER. She stopped immediately knowing my back was not cooperating. She did continue lightly but it was a struggle. It hurt.

She recommended coming every month for a while. The nerves would heal, which is true. I rationally know that they can heal, because my right side used to be the same way. I am contemplating it. I cant live in pain forever.

Today, it hurts worse. I think I have dealt with the constant pain for so long, that someone trying to work on my back is something I was not prepared for.

Also, In update news, surgery number three is going down soon. Date TBD. But its on the horizon. I will be out a week from my Admin job, and four weeks from my bus job. I will spend my week working on nothing except relaxing. Maybe some spreadsheet work inbetween. Maybe catch up on some movies. Sleep. Maybe blog on some things.

I have some crafts to share and some recipe blogs. Hopefully those will help me get some exposure. I am conflicted on wanting more or not.

Peace.

Driving Connumdrums

So now with this new move, I have doubled my drive. Which is ridiculously okay with me. I went from ten to fifteen minutes to about 30 minutes to work. then about 40 minutes home (I hit some traffic).  This new found time, gives me time to consider many things.

Recently, the things on my mind have been varied. Such as:
- whoever invented seatbelts- must have wanted people to be safe.. or suffocate them
- whoever invented Pintrest was a man- seriously I have never been more motivated to cook or clean with new ways or decorate in my LIFE.
- What if I was pregnant right now?- Which to clarify is impossible!! But for some reason my mind wanders to that thought whenever I am bored or lazy or whatever.
- What I could do to incorporate lights into my bedroom.
- Whether I should commit to an all organic diet.
- The effects of chemicals on my foods and my kids
- how glad I am that they are both potty trained.
- how happy I am to come home every night.
- How I like having a dishwasher.
-Who invented the dishwasher.
- Who invented Scrabble.
- Should I use my scrabble set to do crazy things on Pintrest.
- How can I protect my kids from falling out their window or off the porch.
- Can Mark swim without his life jacket?

Yeah it just gets wierd.

Moving Ordeals

Yeah here it is. The moving blog. Yes, that dreaded moving blog.

My mother graciously (not really, I had to beg her practically) took the kids overnight on Friday so we could pack up the rest of the last minute items.

We moved the BF on Friday night. He only had a few big things, and some boxes. So we were able to load up my SUV, his car and his moms van. We hefted them all up the three flights of stairs.

By the way, whoever invented SOLID WOOD dressers needs to be smacked in the face. Repeatedly. Those things are heavy. Elephants are lighter. Seriously, my back just spasmed thinking of that. OW

So Friday, we received our new furniture. Couch, love seat and coffee table. They are so pretty and comfortable!!

Then came Saturday.... Oh it sucked. We had help lined up but most of them cancelled. Seriously folks... I have not moved in two years. You would think that me cashing in all the favors of the last two years in one day would be awesome. But nope. I had one person show up besides the BF's family. So we hefted out pretty much everything out of my apt. It took about three hours to empty it. Then we had to unload it... 3.5 hours later... Yeah it sucked. Third floors suck.

I pulled something in my back(lower back as well as where my bra sits).  It was mildly stiff on Saturday night. Thought nothing of it. Then Sunday. Oh man... For those of you who have shoved out children naturally, God love ya. Seriously. The utmost respect comes from this gal to you. I was in tears walking around Target and Menard's. It hurt to breathe. It hurt to move. It hurt to think about moving.

Finally, around 7pm, I decide that going swimming might help. Yeah, go me for picking the dumbest thing ever. Two kids under 5, two adults and that means soreness. I was a miserable wreck...

Monday was worse. I could barely sit at work. I went home early just to try and get some rest but nope... Birthday at Chuckie Cheese. Sucky suckiness. I groaned every time I had to move even the slightest.

Tuesday started out good. I felt better but as the day progressed, I felt like death. I was having issues taking a full breath, which only made me panic more and not be able to breathe. It sucked. I was tolerating pain well until trying to sleep... 11pm came and I broke down and took a Vicodin. Seriously, a godsend.

Wednesday, and I feel OK. It hurts, but less. I am paying someone to move me next time. Yes, I do not care how much it costs. But it will be worth it.

XOXOX Blog Peeps

People Hating and Badass-Ness

Yeah that's right folks.

For those of you who know my family, in particular my mother, please disregard the next paragraph.

See, I get the bad-ass-ness from my mother. (for those of you still reading, who know my mother, but chose to read this, do not giggle).  It is true. Maybe not exactly, but our temperments are the same. It probably explains our relationship a whole bunch. Anyway, when eldest child was turning one, I was announcing being preggo with younger child. I was on the outs with my MIL (which turned out to be a forever thing). I did not invite her until a few days before the event (only two days after everyone else because I did not know her address.) Anyway, she showed up and proceeded to be horrible. She was commenting to everyone and anyone how horrible I was and how I almost did not invite her. She was going to "show me." She waiting conviently for my FIL and Step MIL to leave before she pounced on preggo me like a hawk. She yelled at me for keeping her grandchild away from her and turning her child against her. She screamed at me and made me cry (because hormones were not enough). I fled. I left without my kid, the (now) ex, and my bestie. As I drove away, my mother, carrying my one year old, swooped in like an eagle looking for a kill. She shamed my MIL like the best of them. Like a lion guarding her cubs, my mother ripped her a new one.

Ok check back in folks: If I learned two things that day, it was: 1. My MIL was a POS. 2. My mother, despite her conflicting opinions with me, has my back. She is my tag team mate who after winning a match, slams you in the back with a chair just to make sure you know she is the superior one.

Anyway, I notice myself, especially these days, becoming more like my mother. Not in the exact way, but in the way that makes you proud. Like hey, my mother taught me this and now I am being that lion mother for my kids. And It doesnt matter who its against. Even thier dad. I have taken the whole "Do not mess with the lion's young" thing to heart. My kids are my everything. They are the one thing that matters most to me. I could care less if tomorrow I lose my job, wreck my car, and everyone deserted me.  I would have my kids. And you would be damn sure that I would be doing everything the next day to pick myself up for them. Fake it 'til you make it babe!


XOXOX Blog Peeps

Something Funny About The World

Sometimes, you have to go through a whole ton of shit before you find someone who will do anything for you, for nothing in return.

That was my night...

Panic Attack at first job, continued while driving to second job, continued at second job, continued at home.  Yuck.

I wish I could tell you what I panicked about. I wish I knew. I have some anxiety related to moving, but not anymore than I can handle. And relatively, this is the LEAST stressful move ever. Because Ben is actually with me while I pack.

So after coming home and feeling like a zombie (which is a usual side effect when I have starved off a panic attack) I laid on the couch and cuddled in a blanket.

I have had the experience of people who just tell me to "relax" during a panic attack. Seriously, that does not work. If I could, I would have done it. I don't want to feel like I am dying.

I have had the flip side where people hover over you, treating like you are in wheelchair and constantly bugging you. I do not want to be bothered. Let me deal with it my own way.

So there I sat, cuddled in a blanket (no not the irrational one from the last post). The BF came over and just sat by me. He asked if I was hungry for dinner and that was it. He let me be but at the same time, let me know he understood what was going on, and was there if I needed something.

Plus of dating someone who has panic attacks as well? I think so!

After two hours, some reading and just laying with the dogs, I felt better. Enough to eat anyway.

Today is looking up. I feel less stressed. I am ready to conquer the day!!!

Go me!

Moving Ordeals

I am positive that most people, at one point in time, have moved. Either it be into another room in the same house, across the street, across the country, etc.

But still, I think I hate it more than the average person. I hate packing. I hate shoving my life, my memories into boxes. Its unrealistic that one person should be able to do it and keep their sanity. I go through all of my stuff, getting rid of all of my items that mean nothing to me, and yet still, I am stuck with lots of stuff.

I dont mean stuff I wont use. I mean stuff that I have some wierd, irrational attachment to. Like a blanket from someone who is not even family anymore. I mean, I love the blanket, and its pretty, but its old now, mainly from me sleeping with it almost every night for about 7 years. But I cannot throw it away. It has a few holes and is faded. But I just cant. I sleep horrible without it. I have tried finding similar  blankets. No Luck. Nope. I am stuck with this one. This crummy blanket that reminds me of everything sad, and I cant part from it. It was handmade and well made, but frankly I get irritated when I have to wash it, because that means a night of sleeping horrible without it. (yeah this whole paragraph makes me sound like a five year old.)

It is not just the blanket either. Its other things. Chairs that were gifts. Pictures that mean nothing other than the sayings on them. Irrational crap. Emotional, irrational crap.

I am stuck with it. Emotional Physical Baggage. EPB. That does not even include the other emotional baggage I have. At least that can be dealt with.


So I trudge along, packing. Carrying my EPB with me to another place.

So sick of moving. Of going through stuff. YUCK.

So here is to another night of sleeping with the irrational blanket.

Advice

Great advice is sometimes unwanted. Even if you know its true, hearing it, is completely different.

Sometimes, the best advice is given by someone who has no relation to your situation. Who walks in by surprise and offers a snippit of life that they lived. Be they older or younger, the advice they offer is general in nature. They know nothing of your situations outside of the context they know you in. But the advice they give has more meaning than anything. It snaps you back into yourself like a rubber band.

Today I recieved said advice from someone who I've never met before today. I will probably never run into this person again. I have no idea of his life. I know that he offered me advice based solely on a conversation of food, ymca, politics and lifesavers in coffee.  We never delved into my life, my hardships. He knew none of it and yet was able to offer this breif, yet none the less meaningful, advice to follow. He had years of expirience on me. Years.

So I will take this to heart. Or at least try.

"If it doesnt matter in a year, dont let it bother you today"

My anxiety is related to worry. I worry. I worry about money, my job, my parenting skills, my choices, my divorce, my kids, my dogs, my haircut, my diet, my exercise, my moving, my extended family. So this applies. In a year, it wont matter whether I chose salad or a burger for lunch. It wont matter whether I chop off 6 inches of hair. It wont matter what I feel about my mom. In a year, she will still be my mother.

So I continue on.

Thrift Store.

I am an avid thrift store shopper. I love it. I can find whatever I am looking for usually for 1/4th the price of buying it new (or less). Let me make this clear: Everything that comes into my house is washed and wiped off. I do not wear it straight off the shelf. I am not exactly sure what people wash their clothes in. So, being allergic to everything under the sun it seems, I wash it all even if it looks or smells clean.

My favorite place to go is my local Goodwill Store on Tuesdays. I love that they have sales. They are color coded so every Tuesday a different colored tag is only $1.49. I generally limit myself to $30 unless something is on my list of things to be on the lookout for.

My list currently for my Goodwill shopping days:
- Coffee table, smaller, any color
- Scrabble board (if you have one that you want to pass along, with some missing tiles or no tiles, hit me up)
- shoes for everyone (yes magically kids grow out of shoes occasionally faster than I can keep up, and high heels are an addiction)
- Work pants and shirts for myself (I do not possess very many and the variations I have are limited)
- Kids clothes (yeah those buggers need clothes too!)
- Any games that will engage a 4 year old to not fight with his brother
- Bread maker (yes I am considering buying one with my taxes off of craigslist)
- picture frames, simple, any color, with removable backs for easy redecoration


So that is my list. I have some other items that I am looking to buy, like a sewing machine, but those require a specialty store.

Why buy new? There is not much need. Kids do not need brand new items. They could care less if some other kid has worn a shirt that has spiderman or batman on it. They only care that it has Spiderman or Batman on it.

Recent finds: Lane Bryant top that was originally $65 for $1.49. Yes, I am not kidding you. The thing looks brand new.

That's all for now. XOXO

Freaking Cold and Irritating Things

It is cold. Not the normal Minnesota cold. The cold where you die a little bit inside each time you have to even think about going outside.

Yeah, the cold that kills your soul.

Alright, that might be a little harsh but seriously. It is cold. Brrrr...


Irritating Things. I am generally a very easy going person. I like order and structure, and cleanliness.

So my struggle now is dealing with Big Peanut aka my oldest child. He is RIDICULOUSLY defiant. Now, before everyone jumps down my throat and says that children his age are supposed to be defiant, I agree. They are. Kids test boundaries. Once the rules are enforced, they know the limits and stay within those. But not Big Peanut. Oh no. Mom tries time out, he laughs. Mom tries to take away things, he sneaks other things of mom's into his bed (ie car keys, debit cards, etc). Mom tries to ignore it, he does more ridiculous things. Mom tries to redirect him into good behavior; sure, he will play along for about 60 seconds max then go back to doing whatever crazy thing he was doing before. Mom tries rewarding good behavior, nope he is having none of it. Mom tries paying more attention to him, nope it only gets worse.

 I am running out of options with this kid. I am constantly flirting the line of whether I should just give up or try something else new.

How else are you supposed to discipline a kid? I mean that respectively. I am also looking for advice. I am a big advocate of seeking help when you know that what you have been doing is not working.

 I know that people are against spanking but geez. I was spanked and I know plenty of people who were. We never died. We respected our parents (for the most part). Actually, I only remember being spanked one time. But that was with a belt, for lying and for calling my mom a nasty name. I never stepped out of line again. So what else works?


Other irritating things: people hearing HALF of a story or only lies then judging the hell out of you. WTH? Do you magically have some sort of mind meld machine that suddenly allows you to know everything about my life? Keep my name out of your mouth. If there is one thing I hate in life, its freaking people who badmouth others which they know NOTHING about. Unless your name is mine and you are me, keep my name and my business out of your mouth unless I ask for your opinion.

Also, cars are irritating. Getting stuck at Cub at 630 am sucks. However, deli guys rock. Thanks Deli guy!

That's all.

Vegan? Meh not for me!

So starting with my moving, I am aching to eat better, knock off the baby weight (even though he is THREE!) and get in shape.

I have considered going back to being vegetarian, as I was while I was pregnant with number 2. It was an easy shift for me. But when post baby came, I ate chicken and BAM! I was hooked on it.

I already seldom eat beef. Beyond beef jerky (seriously how can anyone resist that awesomeness?), I rarely crave a burger or anything even remotely close to steak.  I am a fan of chicken and seafood. But only if its cooked right. :/

So lately I have been looking into new diets such as the Paleo diet (which is beyond strange yet intriguing). I do not think I can cut out bread completely. I love bread. I am secretly convinced that I am French with my addiction to eating bread. I also do not think that I can grow to love every single vegatable under the sun. Have you tried eating Raw onions? Nasty does not even describe it. I can eat them, cooked, as long as they are mixed in with something else.


I am hoping I can stick to this. I have already cut out most of my pop drinking. I do still have coffee but thats only a cup or two during the week. I maybe have a can a week of pop, and those are mainly on the days where I am dragging to keep up with the kids. I have cut out the majority of my snacking habits (like Pringles and Oreos, which are my downfall).

I own a treadmill, though stopped running when I had surgery (another post, I swear). I am bound and determined to get into a two piece non-mom style swimsuit this year. I have a gorgeous tatoo I would love to show off... But yeah my thighs that jiggle say something else.


Blah. Here goes to probably being a semi vegetarian. Cheers

Stalking? Really? (and other updates)

So this has come to my attention that stalking is in fact a crime! Hold your surprise folks because "sh*t just got real."

Who in the hell thought stalking was legal? Seriously? Apparently my life is filled with stalkers. Stalkers of email, stalkers of facebook. Seriously get a life. You have nothing better to do than stalk the crap out of my posts that have NOTHING to do with you? Yes that is a question. I have better stuff to do than worry about you stalking "all up on this" all the time. Like raising kids, you know those pesky buggers require  A LOT of my energy. Unused energy? HARDLY! I do not want to worry about Facebook being hacked and you using my messages against me.

So spending an hour of my time, changing email addresses and passwords





On the up and up, I love resetting my phone. It clears out all the people I obviously did not care enough about to save their number to my SIM card or gmail account. If I didn't save your number, don't fret. It just means that I am extremely phone dumb and have zero idea how to get gmail to save it or transfer it to my sim card.


I also was approved to move into a new place. Its a step. I am not excited about the drive. It is triple what I do now. It has some pluses like an indoor pool and gym. It allows the dogs, which rocks but its on the third floor. Yay stairs. On the plus, my thighs will be rocking! LOL

so my next post will probably be about packing up my life and getting rid of crap.

Anxiety

Let me start this by saying: Anxiety comes in all shapes and sizes.

Mine stems from change. I hate change. Change in routine, change in jobs, change in living arrangements, change in relationships, etc.

I do not like social situations. I am more than friendly, do not misunderstand. But my anxiety is in high gear. I worry about offending people, I worry about not liking food, I worry about pretending to like food I do not like. I worry about my children being crazy in resturants, breaking things in peoples homes. I worry about being called a bad mom because my children have enough energy to power all of North America for a year, bottled in their tiny little bodies.  I am a worrier. Plain and simple.

My anxiety forms in many ways. I "watch" myself performing tasks mainly. I feel disconnected. I also become severly dehydrated (which is becoming a problem). I become extremely irritable, tired and on edge. I shake and get a headache that feels like a thousand suns laying on my forehead. My body aches.

I have taken meds before but have not relied on them for anxiety control for the last few years. I have self medicated with yoga, alcohol (rarely) and some mild muscle relaxers when I feel completely out of control. I have had few panic attacks in the last year, though with moving, I had to take meds just to complete my day without going postal.


So there it is. The ugly truth. My anxiety. It rears its ugly head every once in awhile, but is constantly in the back of my mind, reminding me that I am not perfect.

Onto the Next

Seven months out. Technically, seven months tomorrow.

I have moved on, slowly. I rebuilt my life, somewhat in a haze until recently. I concentrated on my kids (who are wonderful and amazing).

I worked and spent time with them. I lacked adult conversation and interaction. Alas it caught up with me. One night of drinking, and one stupid message, landed me a date with someone who blew me away.

He walked into my life like a hurricane. I say that with complete and utter certainty. He turned my expectations of dating upside down, inside out and backwards. I had no idea a person could be so opposite from what I was with before. He cared despite my moments of insanity.

I have now made the commitment to move in with him, as he has become a constant in my life along with the kids. It came out a battle. I was so unsure of moving in with him, that I wanted away from him. I was, frankly, terrified to be away from him, but at the same time, terrified to be with him and be hurt again.  I fought to get away and cried when he said fine. He demanded that I stay and talk with him. He made it clear that he was not going to run away. He wanted a family, however that form came, and wanted to be with me.

It has been a week since that fight. He had already pretty much moved in anyway at that point. He had only been away a few days in the last two months anyway. So we have been looking at places to move. He is excited to bring me on his side of the town. I am excited about this new chapter.

At moments, my anxiety overwhelms me about this giant shift. Everything I know is by my home. I live only a few minutes from the place I grew up. So here goes.


Wish me luck.

He has already made me a lover of Indian Food and a burger place in Minneapolis that rocks without question!!!

The beginning

So here it is. I cannot keep my thoughts to myself anymore so here is my springboard for my ridiculous, fanatical and at times, hilarious life moments.

 I regret many things in my life. The one I regret the most: sharing 7 years with someone that never considered me his "good enough." As ridiculous as that sounds, it is plainly true. Pushing him out for good was the hardest, and yet amazingly, the easiest thing I have ever done. I walked out of the cloud that had become my life, scared, scarred and broken, with two wonderful blessings in tow.  So here is my journey. It might not always be religious or enlightening, or even surprising, but this is my journey.


Its been over six months. I am healing, all be it slowly. I was crushed, even though I did the kicking out in the end. But truly, my limit had been reached. I allowed that fine line between what was cheating and what was not cheating to be rearranged. I guilted myself and placed blame within me. I was the one not good enough. I was the wrong one in the relationship; I needed to change. I don't know exactly when that line ever became so vague, but in the end, the point was reached. You do not mess with family, and he did.

 I think my point of no-return, as in no point of fixing anything more, was reached well before this moment of truth. I never really wanted to work on anything afer the "almost-cheating" incident before this. I think I tried mainly because I did not want to be the one at fault for no longer trying. The one who gave up. It was not my style. I am not a quitter, though this required quitting.

In many ways, I think of my relationship with him an addiction. I had this ideal image of being a wife and mother, having this storybook life with house, dog and kids in tow. Being Suzy Homemaker, having dinner on the table when he came home from work. I believe firmly now, that should I ever have girls or even daughter in laws, I will never allow them to believe that dream is the extent of their life. I was so addicted to the idea, that I lost sight of who I had ultimately married.

Do not misunderstand me. He was, at one point, a nice person. He was a savior when I needed saving. Perhaps, that saving, made me want to look past everything else he had done.

In the end, his savior status could not undo the damage done.

So my point in telling you this? This is the story that helped shape me, good and bad. I walked out of that relationship bound and determined to make this chapter better.