Yesterday sucked. Plain and simple. I walked around in a haze after fighting with BF all Wednesday. He is so stubborn. I kinda snapped on him. I do not think that he had any inclination that I would defend myself like I did. It was not a normal response for me. I felt awful after for how it came about, but he expects me to forget what I have been through.
Yesterday commenced as a wonderful celebration of my mom's birthday. I work with her, which makes me crazy because I generally have a hard time dealing with her already. Work went fine, went to other job, went to Easter pictures. BF and the mom got into it over cake and punishments.... And my sister kept telling me how awful my kids are. Seriously? Your brat is perfect right? Talking back and being disrespectful? Thats awesome! Because I swear to GOD, my children will never act like that towards me or I will smack them on the face. My kids may act bad, but they are not brats. They are also both under 5.
Then 60 minutes driving home, listening to BF trash my family. I said a total of ten words. TEN. The entire 60 minutes.
Let me explain. I know my family is messed up. I get it. I really do. I mean, seriously, who in their right mind would NOT disown one of their kids after the slept with another one of their kids spouses. Who does that? Who acts like nothing is ever wrong when clearly there is SOMETHING wrong with the situation? Who tells their child, in response to"I am getting a divorce", that they should stay with a man who obviously walks all over her?
It's years and years of messed up crap. And for those of you who know me, it only gets worse the more you hear!
I was just tired of it. Of hearing how horrible of people they are. Like I didnt already know that.
So I snapped. I freaked out once we got home and got the kids in bed. I yelled and he yelled. I was so mad at him. He did not understand. I was convinced he did not understand.
How could I still be around and act like nothing was wrong, he kept asking. All I could respond was that they are still my family. The damage has been done. Nothing, NOTHING anyone in the family could say to me will fix it. But, the reason I go and allow myself to be around these horrible people, is because I love my nieces and nephews. I miss them. I do. I adore them.
He said they were like cancer. He could see the way that I allow them to have power over me. He said its not healthy. I agree. It cant be healthy to be exposed to people who have zero compassion. But that wont stop me from going.
In the end, I spent the night, being ignored by someone whom I care deeply about that does not understand why I exposed myself to people who are terrible. It was terrible.
I am not sure what today brings. I want it to relax. I want to go home, and know that everything will be fine. But I dont know that. I do know some things.
1. My kids are my EVERYTHING.
2. I will never grow to like eggplant. Sorry Miss LC.
3. I will never stop being an advocate for my older child. He needs help and I will demand it.
4. I will push many people away. Probably frequently. Probably more than most can tolerate.
5. I will never live up to the expectations of my mother.
6. My father will always be my rock. No matter how long we go without speaking, he knows me better than anyone else.
7. No one will ever understand my wierd attachment to that blanket.
8. No one will ever understand why I named my eldest after my stepfather.
9. No one will ever understand why I finally left my ex.
10. I will probably have a mental breakdown, if and when, my dogs life ends.
11. I will always be afraid of sharks, even in swimming pools.
12. This blog is the hardest, yet easiest thing I have to do. Ever.
13. I am a terrible driver. Though, in front of others, I will deny it.
14. I am like my mother in more ways than one, which terrifies me.
15. I want more kids. Desperately. (yeah I know. I am waiting.)
16. I will never get over the fear of sleeping alone. If given the choice between sleeping alone for a month, and being given a tetnus shot everyday of my life, I would rather the shot.
XO
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