So this is life...

Yesterday sucked. Plain and simple. I walked around in a haze after fighting with BF all Wednesday. He is so stubborn. I kinda snapped on him. I do not think that he had any inclination that I would defend myself like I did. It was not a normal response for me. I felt awful after for how it came about, but he expects me to forget what I have been through.

Yesterday commenced as a wonderful celebration of my mom's birthday. I work with her, which makes me crazy because I generally have a hard time dealing with her already.  Work went fine, went to other job, went to Easter pictures. BF and the mom got into it over cake and punishments.... And my sister kept telling me how awful my kids are. Seriously? Your brat is perfect right? Talking back and being disrespectful? Thats awesome! Because I swear to GOD, my children will never act like that towards me or I will smack them on the face.   My kids may act bad, but they are not brats. They are also both under 5.

Then 60 minutes driving home, listening to BF trash my family. I said a total of ten words. TEN. The entire 60 minutes.

Let me explain. I know my family is messed up. I get it. I really do. I mean, seriously, who in their right mind would NOT disown one of their kids after the slept with another one of their kids spouses. Who does that? Who acts like nothing is ever wrong when clearly there is SOMETHING wrong with the situation?  Who tells their child, in response to"I am getting a divorce", that they should stay with a man who obviously walks all over her?

It's years and years of messed up crap. And for those of you who know me, it only gets worse the more you hear!

I was just tired of it. Of hearing how horrible of people they are. Like I didnt already know that.

So I snapped. I freaked out once we got home and got the kids in bed. I yelled and he yelled. I was so mad at him. He did not understand. I was convinced he did not understand.

How could I still be around and act like nothing was wrong, he kept asking. All I could respond was that they are still my family. The damage has been done. Nothing, NOTHING anyone in the family could say to me will fix it. But, the reason I go and allow myself to be around these horrible people, is because I love my nieces and nephews. I miss them. I do. I adore them.

He said they were like cancer. He could see the way that I allow them to have power over me. He said its not healthy. I agree. It cant be healthy to be exposed to people who have zero compassion. But that wont stop me from going.

In the end, I spent the night, being ignored by someone whom I care deeply about that does not understand why I exposed myself to people who are terrible. It was terrible.

I am not sure what today brings. I want it to relax. I want to go home, and know that everything will be fine. But I dont know that. I do know some things.

1. My kids are my EVERYTHING. 
2. I will never grow to like eggplant. Sorry Miss LC.
3. I will never stop being an advocate for my older child. He needs help and I will demand it.
4. I will push many people away. Probably frequently. Probably more than most can tolerate.
5. I will never live up to the expectations of my mother.
6. My father will always be my rock. No matter how long we go without speaking, he knows me better than anyone else.
7. No one will ever understand my wierd attachment to that blanket.
8. No one will ever understand why I named my eldest after my stepfather.
9. No one will ever understand why I finally left my ex.
10. I will probably have a mental breakdown, if and when, my dogs life ends.
11. I will always be afraid of sharks, even in swimming pools.
12. This blog is the hardest, yet easiest thing I have to do. Ever.
13. I am a terrible driver. Though, in front of others, I will deny it.
14. I am like my mother in more ways than one, which terrifies me.
15. I want more kids. Desperately. (yeah I know. I am waiting.)
16. I will never get over the fear of sleeping alone. If given the choice between sleeping alone for a month, and being given a tetnus shot everyday of my life, I would rather the shot.

XO

A Little Nerve Hit Here and There Never Hurt Anyone

I probably re-write each blog post five times before it actually gets posted.

I delete it all after writing something long, fluid and amazing after realizing I do not want that particular topic shared at this point.


Anywho, this one stuck.

Last night, I went for a massage. While she was massaging my back, she was running her thumbs up and down my spinal column. Apparently, my nerve damage from having two kids and my surgery is worse than I thought. My muscles twitched. Alot. More than a lot. They spasmed. The right side was bearable. It felt good after she had massaged a few minutes. The left side was torture. It was uncontrollable. I couldnt help myself from twitching. Her hands sent shivers racing down my legs. I thought I was dying. I had never felt anything as painful in my life. EVER. She stopped immediately knowing my back was not cooperating. She did continue lightly but it was a struggle. It hurt.

She recommended coming every month for a while. The nerves would heal, which is true. I rationally know that they can heal, because my right side used to be the same way. I am contemplating it. I cant live in pain forever.

Today, it hurts worse. I think I have dealt with the constant pain for so long, that someone trying to work on my back is something I was not prepared for.

Also, In update news, surgery number three is going down soon. Date TBD. But its on the horizon. I will be out a week from my Admin job, and four weeks from my bus job. I will spend my week working on nothing except relaxing. Maybe some spreadsheet work inbetween. Maybe catch up on some movies. Sleep. Maybe blog on some things.

I have some crafts to share and some recipe blogs. Hopefully those will help me get some exposure. I am conflicted on wanting more or not.

Peace.